Self-sabotage can be seen as a pattern of thoughts and behaviors you engage in, often without even knowing it, that create obstacles to achieving your goals. (Lebow, 2021) Self-sabotage can either be done consciously or unconsciously. For example, someone trying to lose weight might just say, ‘I don’t care!’ and eat the whole package of cookies. That person knows what she or he is doing, but has given up, temporarily at least, the diet and given in to the urge to eat the cookies. On the other end of this spectrum, someone who wants to move up in the company misses a work deadline. This can look like that person is just running late, but in reality, she or he is afraid of failure, so misses the deadline, which stalls the goal of moving up. Perhaps they took on too much work on purpose, which forced them to miss the deadline. It's not always easy to determine if you are self-sabotaging, but there are some things to consider. The consequences of self-sabotaging might not immediately follow the behavior, making the connection unclear. One approach is to examine whether your behaviors are aligned with your long-term goals. If not, the behavior may be self-defeating. (Self-Sabotage, n.d.) How do you stop self-sabotaging? It’s not easy, especially when you are not aware of doing it in the first place. But once you examine your behaviors as mentioned above, you can identify self-sabotaging actions and work on stopping them. Some common ways of self-sabotaging include:
Some ways to stop the self-sabotaging behavior include: 1.Examine the Root Causes References
Field, B. (2023, February 23). Self-Sabotaging: Why Does It Happen. Retrieved from VeryWellMind: https://www.verywellmind.com/why-people-self-sabotage-and-how-to-stop-it-5207635 Lebow, H. (2021, November 5). Self-Sabotage: Why You Hold Yourself Back. Retrieved from PsychCentral: https://psychcentral.com/blog/overcome-self-sabotage Self-Sabotage. (n.d.). Retrieved from Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-sabotage?amp
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In 1959, Pete Seeger wrote a song based on the Bible verse Ecclesiastes 3. Turn! Turn! Turn! To Everything There is a Season. Seeger set it to music and recorded it in 1962, and it was released on the second album by the folk-rock band, the Byrds, in 1965. The Bible verse: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: Relationships have been strained over the past several years due to politics, opinions, and arguments. You are enough and you don’t need to continue to define yourself. It’s time to apologize for mistakes, accept others’ opinions and move on. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment — or embrace forgiveness and move forward. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. Forgiveness can lead to:
The past several years have seen a huge shift in the way people respond to each other. The political divide is even greater, with resentment and ill feelings on both sides. It’s time to move on. As the lyrics from the song and Ecclesiastes state: “There is a time …” Now is that time. Recognize that you are enough, and so are the people in your life. References
A Time for Everything. (n.d.). Retrieved from BibleGateway: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes%203&version=NIV Mayo Clinic Staff. (2022, November 22). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. Retrieved from Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692 How much are you worth? How do you determine your self-worth? There are several things to take into consideration when checking in with yourself. It’s easier to look at others and make judgements about their worth, but it is important to understand who we think we are, and how we perceive, honestly, what our worth is. Consider these six items:
Self-worth is more about who you are, not so much about what you do. Don’t confuse these two concepts. Sometimes self-esteem is synonymous to self-worth, but according to studies cited on the PsychAlive website, the two concepts are quite different. Dr. Lisa Firestone believes that self-worth should be less about measuring yourself based on external actions and more about valuing your inherent worth as a person. In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not about what you do. (PsychAlive, n.d.) We can’t always be better than everyone else all the time, which is what some take high self-esteem to mean. Measuring ourselves by comparison to others just isn’t a way to maintain high self-esteem or to measure our own self-worth. Consider these three related, yet different concepts:
Measuring your self-worth means taking an inventory of your INTERNAL feelings, values, and boundaries. Understanding those will give you an idea of where you need to continue working to improve your self-esteem without becoming focused on how you stack up compared to others. References
Ferguson, S. (2022, November 8). Why Self-Esteem Matters and Tips to Build Yours Up. Retrieved from healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/high-self-esteem#takeaway PsychAlive. (n.d.). The Importance of Self-Worth. Retrieved from PsychAlive: https://www.psychalive.org/self-worth Thapliyal, R. (2021, September 15). 6 Ways To Know Your Value And Self-Worth. Retrieved from Global Image Magazine: https://indianschoolofimage.com/2021/09/15/6-ways-to-know-your-value-and-self-worth/ No matter how successful one is, no matter what they have achieved, some people do not experience the joy of success. They don’t feel confident or competent regardless of what they have done in their lives. Have you ever experienced this? It is actually quite common among high achievers, for a lot of reasons. When exploring the “I am Enough” mindset for this blog series, I have come across some interesting points. High achievers sometimes will reach a point in their career where they feel like they are unable to keep going. (Saymeh, 2023) Those high achievers may feel that they can’t continue at their same rate, and they become ashamed. They start to suffer in silence, and they start to doubt their own achievements. Or they can’t bring themselves to believe that they actually did accomplish something and when others praise them, they feel guilty. This happens for a variety of reasons including family and peer pressure, fear of being found out as a fraud (even though they are not a fraud) and simply personality quirks. For example, someone who is quite introverted may not have the social skills to accept praise for accomplishments. This tends to become an isolating feeling, giving rise to negative self-talk and inadequacy. Imposter syndrome can severely inhibit the mindset of “I am Enough!” When one doubts his or her adequacy, feels as though he or she is a fraud and will be found out in time, that person simply cannot believe he or she is enough. There are ways, fortunately, to overcome imposter syndrome. One of those ways is to change expectations when working on achieving a goal. Don’t make perfection the goal. Just because you don’t know everything, doesn’t mean you know nothing. (Fu, 2019) Focus instead on the things you do know, the things you are good at, and work on those areas where you still need some skill. It is also important at times like these to enlist the help of those who are good at the things you could use some help on. Remember, you will be defined by how you react to certain scenarios, not necessarily the success of the scenarios. Failure is not a bad thing, it is an opportunity to learn something. References
Saymeh, A. (2023, February 22). What is imposter syndrome? Retrieved from BetterUp: https://www.betterup.com/blog/what-is-imposter-syndrome-and-how-to-avoid-it#what Fu, E. (2019, October 7). 3 Ways to Overcome Imposter Synddrome in the Workplace. Retrieved from indeed: https://www.indeed.com/lead/impostor-syndrome
Some thoughts from professional counselor, Trudi Griffin, include speaking honestly, don’t put others down just to make yourself look good, and surround yourself with friends with integrity. (Griffin, 2022) Of course, these things make sense all the time, but pay close attention to them as your energy increases with the warm weather. It’s easy to fall into bad behavior patterns when everything around you seems to be going well. The weather is nice, people are more relaxed, and lounging by the pool becomes a priority. There are five stages to successful behavior change, steps that should be reviewed as you find yourself transitioning to a more relaxed, yet more productive person. You are enough, but that enough can be altered through positive change. The steps, as outlined by James Prochaska at the University of Rhode Island and further defined by Donna Webb, a Health Coach with Cecelia Health, are: 1. Precontemplation is the stage at which there is no intention to change behavior in the foreseeable future. 2. Contemplation is the stage in which people are aware that a problem exists and are seriously thinking about overcoming it but have not yet made a commitment to take action. 3. The Preparation stage can be considered the information gathering and planning stage. 4. Action is the stage in which individuals modify their behavior, experiences, or environment in order to overcome their problems. 5. Maintenance is the stage in which people work to prevent relapse and consolidate the gains attained during action. (Webb, 2016) The take-away here is this: Yes, we are all enough, yet as the transitions in our lives affect who we are, and how we react to change, we understand that we don’t just stop our lives when we reach that “I Am Enough” stage. Being enough involves transitioning and changing to embrace the newness we face each day. Don’t become stagnant just because you are already enough. References
Griffin, T. (2022, September 28). How to Stay True to Yourself. Retrieved from wikiHow to do anything. . . : https://www.wikihow.com/Stay-True-to-Yourself Webb, D. (2016, January 20). The Five Stages to Successful Behavior Change. Retrieved from Cecelia Health: https://www.ceceliahealth.com/the-five-stages-to-successful-behavior-change Everyone says it: Good enough is good enough. But what does that mean? And how do we know we are good enough? Meeting our goals is one way to know we are doing everything we can to be good enough. But meeting goals isn’t always easy, especially if our goals are not constructed well. Unrealistic goals lead to failure and failure leads to negative thinking about NOT being good enough. So, let’s look at setting realistic goals. It’s one thing to say our goal is to be the best at anything or everything, after all, everyone should want to be the best – but think about it. Is being the best always realistic? There’s a strategy, first proposed by George T. Doran in November 1981, called SMART goals. This strategy will help you reach any objective – as long as the objective is SMART. Let’s take a closer look at SMART goals: (Achieve More With Smart Goals, n.d.) S: Smart Goals are SPECIFIC Now, let’s take a goal and apply the SMART strategy to it. For example, set a goal that looks something like this: Learn New Things. This goal may be admirable, it may help us to become enough, but what is wrong with it? If we apply the SMART strategy to this goal, we will be able to refine it to something that we can achieve. First, SPECIFIC. Learn New Things is NOT specific at all. What kind of new things? To make it specific we need to determine whether the new things will be personal development, physical tasks, mental processes, or something that will help us in our daily endeavors. Second, MEASUREABLE. So, let’s say we are going to learn to ride a bike. How do we know when we have learned this new thing? When we no longer fall, or when we ride in a race? There needs to be some element of the goal that will tell us when to stop learning the new thing because we have mastered it. Third, ACHIEVABLE. Back to the bike riding thing we are learning. Do we have a bike or access to one? Do we know where we will ride the bike? Who will teach us? Do we need to hire someone? Are we physically capable of achieving this goal? Fourth, REALISTIC. Does learning how to ride a bike make sense? Is it something we need to do in order to achieve our daily tasks, etc.? Or is it something we just want to do so we can say we did it? Is it a realistic goal? Fifth, TIMELY. How long will it take us to do this? Is there a time limit on when we need to have it accomplished? Can we achieve it in that time limit? By applying the SMART strategy to our goal, we can now modify it to: Learn to ride the bike in the garage before the summer so we can go riding with the kids/friends. Applying this strategy to all goals will greatly improve their achievability, thus making sure we are enough! References
Achieve More With Smart Goals. (n.d.). Retrieved from The Tony Robbins Blog: https://www.tonyrobbins.com/career-business/the-6-steps-to-a-smart-goal/ According to Merriam-Webster, journaling is “a record of experiences, ideas, or reflections kept regularly for private use: DIARY.” There is no right or wrong way to journal. Sometimes your journal entries may be a list of goals and objectives, other times they may look more like diary entries. Some people even add pictures and drawings to their journals. The key here is to use your journal in the best way for you. It can be one of the best self-improvement tools you have at your fingertips. There are five different kinds of journaling: 1. Daily journaling As the name suggests, this is a journal that you write in every day. The contents differ from other types of journaling, however, as you focus on sharing what you did and how you felt about it each day. 2. Visual journaling When most people think about starting a journal, they think of writing. But visual journaling is mostly made up of images. Each entry uses drawings to tell your story. These can be simple line drawings, storyboards, comic strips, or stylized sketches. 3. Stream of consciousness/free writing journaling Many writers use free writing as a warm-up before jumping into their novel or other long-form text. But it can be a useful tool for starting a journal, too. With stream-of-consciousness journaling, you write down thoughts as they flow through your mind. 4. Gratitude journaling You can structure your gratitude journal in different ways. You can list the things you’re grateful for, weave them into a larger entry, or format them as short thank-you notes. You can then choose to keep these private or share them with others. 5. Bullet journaling Bullet journals are highly customizable. They can be used to track everything from your mood to your daily steps. Or you can use one page as an agenda with bullets for reflections such as “one thing that made my day today” or “my intention for today.” (Eatough, 2023) If you find yourself anxious or depressed, thinking you are not enough, journaling can help waylay those feelings. The research on journaling shows that change or relief from anxiety or depression will not happen overnight, but the practice of writing down your thoughts and feelings should be carried out over 30 days or more. Some guidelines for starting and maintaining your journaling habits include:
For the next four days, write down how you feel and think about your most traumatic experience or a significant emotional issue that has profoundly impacted you. References
Eatough, E. (2023, March 21). Learn How to Start Journaling. Retrieved from BetterUp: https://www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-start-journaling Sutton, J. (2018, May 14). 5 Benefits of Journaling for Mental Health. Retrieved from PositivePsychology: https://positivepsychology.com/benefits-of-journaling/ It’s easy to say we don’t do this. I mean, who is constantly comparing themselves to others? We are who we are, and we are enough! Right? Think about it. When was the last time you looked at someone and thought to yourself “I wish my hair was like hers.” Or “Why can’t I be the one who got that job?” We actually do this pretty much daily – and often unconsciously – and we need to stop. While it may motivate us to better ourselves, constantly comparing ourselves to others can lead to negative thoughts. Often, when we are making these comparisons, we often compare our lesser qualities with a person’s best qualities. This completely skews our judgment. Feelings of jealousy, frustration, and hopelessness emerge if comparisons continue. If left unaddressed, chronic anxiety and depression can stem from such behavior. To avoid comparisons, people may look for others’ faults to make themselves feel better. This is just as unhealthy as tearing yourself apart for what you don’t have or don’t look like. (Perry, 2022) So, what do we do about this? How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? There are several steps to take:
Eleanor Roosevelt said it best: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. If you want to be happy with who you are, where you are in life, and satisfied with your circumstances, you can start practicing gratitude, which leads to contentment. If you are content with your life, you won’t spend time worrying about what others are doing or thinking. (Cruze, 2023) As you are focusing on your own strengths and goals, reflect on where you were a year ago, or five years ago. Have you reached the goals you set for yourself then? Your efforts need to be on competing with yourself, not others. If you have not achieved previously set goals, why not? Perhaps the goals are no longer relevant, or perhaps the goals were not achievable. Not achieving goals is not a bad thing, and one we will explore in a future post, but focus on the goals you HAVE achieved – and celebrate those successes. Focusing on yourself and your own achievements can go a long way in stopping the desire to compare yourself to others – and finding fault in your shortcomings. References
Cruze, R. (2023, January 10). How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. Retrieved from ramseysolutions: https://www.ramseysolutions.com/personal-growth/how-to-stop-comparing-yourself-to-others Perry, E. (2022, February 8). Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Do these 10 Things Instead. Retrieved from BetterUp: https://www.betterup.com/blog/comparing-yourself-to-others The change comes before we arrive at the state of mind where we can say with confidence that “I am Enough.” It’s one thing to tell yourself that you are enough, but quite another to actually believe it. In order to be the best version of yourself, you need to get away from the idea that being enough isn’t about perfection – and it’s also not about being dormant. It’s about accepting who you are, flaws and all. It’s about understanding you are human, and giving yourself the safe space you need to grow. (Peer, 2013 Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg may have been referring to global and/or political change when she said, “Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time,” but we can apply her philosophy to our own personal change profiles. Baby steps, not major, jumping off a cliff steps, but small steps made consistently. Over time, those small steps will add up to major growth. Another important aspect of our growth and change is that it is not linear. Sometimes you may feel that you are not moving toward your goal. In fact, you may feel that you are actually moving away from your goal, when in reality, you’re doing what you need to get there. (Continuous Improvement, 2020) Take the small steps, consistently, every day on the path to believing that you are enough! References
Continuous Improvement. (2020, October 15). Retrieved from Real life Practice: https://www.reallifepractice.com/2020/10/real-change-enduring-change-happens-one-step-at-a-time-ruth-bader-ginsburg/ Peer, M. (2013, August 1). "I am Enough" - Change Your Life with Marisa Peer. Retrieved from Marisa Peer: https://marisapeer.com/i-am-enough-marisa-peer/ There are times when believing we are not enough is easy. We dwell on our flaws, our imperfections. We spend too much time comparing ourselves to others. It is during these times when we need to look at the reasons it is important to believe we are enough. Think about confidence. When you complete something successfully, that feeling of accomplishment will give you confidence to do anything you wish. (Rebecca, 2020) Count those wins, no matter how big or small, and reflect on them and watch your confidence grow. There are four aspects of being enough we need to embrace: being worthy, being loved, being valid, and being acceptable. These four aspects are part of our lives every day. They are manifested in the things we are passionate about. (Rebecca, 2020) If you feel you are a burden to those around you for whatever reason, you might be asking yourself “Why am I not good enough?” Do you find yourself constantly apologizing for taking up space, or asking for help? If that is the case, you might be looking for conditional love. You might think you have to do something or be something before someone can love you. (Elizabeth, 2021) Conditional love is what we expect when we believe we won’t be loved unless we meet certain conditions. When we relate being enough to conditional love, we are more apt to judge others unfairly, or think our life is not worthy unless we are successful. This thinking is actually setting yourself up for failure. What is success? According to Dictionary.com, success is the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals But this definition leads to questions about the definition of favorable accomplishment. Who decides what the favorable accomplishment of goals is? Often we place these ideals to high, but remember, it is not possible to maintain high levels of success, personal or financial, indefinitely. If you find yourself in this mode of thinking it is time to make some changes. Start by making a list of the positive things about you. Remember the successes you have had and reflect on them, both the small successes and the momentous ones. Think about the things you enjoy doing. What about your friends? Who are they? Why are they your friends? Your worth is your choice, nobody else has the power to determine what you are worth. References
Elizabeth, D. (2021, October 31). 12 Ways to Turn "Why am I not good enough?" into "I am enough". Retrieved from Wild Simple Joy: https://wildsimplejoy.com/why-am-i-not-good-enough/ Rebecca. (2020). 15 Reasons to Believe You Are Enough. Retrieved from Minimalism Made Simple: https://www.minimalismmadesimple.com/home/you-are-enough/ |
AuthorI am a Performance Enhancement Specialist with a background in Emergency Psychiatric Medicine and Community Addiction. Archives
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